Conflicts of the Heart: New Hampshire/Hawaii Perspectives

Conflicts of the Heart

On this journey through life everyone, regardless of who they are, where they are from, or what they do, will be faced with decisions that will tug at their heartstrings. These soul-searching resolutions are not to be taken lightly, for they are life altering. Every aspect must be considered and accounted for, the pros and cons carefully weighed. In the end, a final verdict must be reached, one that wants for nothing other than to attempt to satisfy the needs and desires of all parties involved.

Change, so I’ve heard, is a good thing. In making change happen, decisions need to be made, and making decisions has never been easy for me, even if I know they will make my life better in the long run. Being forced to make a decision is one thing, but making a decision willingly is quite another.
~Sarah

Having lived all my life in New England, almost all of it in the New Hampshire seacoast area, I could not have imagined ever living anywhere else. What New England has to offer is immeasurable; from the miles of rocky Atlantic coastline, weathered mountains, scenic lakes, rolling hills and valleys, to the four distinct seasons, each astoundingly beautiful in its own right. Nothing can match our picturesque seaside villages or charming mountain towns that preserve and detail almost 400 years of history. New Englanders are said to be a proud people; determined, strong-willed, and hard working. When faced with adversity, they prove to be resourceful in finding solutions. Family units are generally close-knit and highly valued. Although family members may not always see eye-to-eye, they are always and forever there for each other.

Generations of my husband’s and my families have lived here in New England since the 1600’s. They weren’t the first off the Mayflower, but they were pretty close. With this cultural heritage behind us, many of our relatives still live in the area, having not traveled far from where our ancestors settled so many years ago. For us, New England has always been the place we’ve called ‘home’.

Home, to me, represents the memories of growing up, enveloped by extended family. The only home I’d ever known was built on land that had been owned by my father’s family dating back almost three centuries, a slate-gray clapboarded cape, surrounded by stone-walled gardens and a wooded forest beyond. I treasure the memories of my childhood: playing hours on end with my sister in our tree house at the edge of the woods, constructing intricate fairy houses in the warm summer sunlight, exploring the tide pools on Basket Island during the day and playing flashlight tag by night. ~Sarah
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When our daughters made the decision to go to college in Boulder, Colorado, we embraced the idea, as our desire to see them investigate the world beyond the borders of their New Hampshire home far surpassed our need to have them close by. As each experienced life in the west, they pushed the boundaries even further than the Rockies. Suzanne spent a semester abroad in Samoa and spring breaks in California, while Sarah, after falling in love with Greg, enjoyed summer vacations with his family in Hawaii. Now they have chosen to live in California and Hawaii, respectively, and we are still abiding here in our beloved New England.

New England has never held the same importance for me as it has for my parents. Although I will always love New Hampshire, the most difficult aspect of leaving was in knowing that once I moved to Hawaii, I would be separated from the family I loved by great distance and time. Being so far apart can cause that powerful feeling of being homesick to creep in, knowing that generations of family members are gathering together, enjoying the company of one another, sharing stories and fond memories. When we connect over the phone, my heart aches to hear the laughter and familiar voices from the background conversations, drawing me emotionally back to my roots…making me wish, if only for that moment, that I was there.
~Sarah

Leaving Honolulu after this, my third visit to Hawaii, I felt the pangs of sadness at leaving Sarah, Greg, and his family behind. Feeling somewhat surprised, I also discovered that I had developed a deep affection for my daughter’s adopted home, definitely comparable to the love I have for my native New England. I am captivated by the strikingly diverse landscape at every turn, and the cobalt blue ocean and shimmering beaches offer absolute perfection. I love the history, the music, the art, the culture, and most of all the people who live there. Hawaii is not unlike New England in many of the aspects I hold dear and this is, perhaps, why I am drawn under its spell, having become enchanted with its inner beauty.

I fell in love with Hawaii as soon as I set foot on its shores. Everything I do, everything I am is a reflection of my desire and need to breathe the fresh air, feel the warm tropical breezes as I hike and surf, and savor the mellow lifestyle. I take great joy in the simple things here, I lack for nothing. ~Sarah

So the question ultimately becomes, where do I belong? I know this query is faced by many a parent whose children have moved away. As our children establish their own homes and families, the definition of home changes for them…and for us. Their home is no longer the family homestead they knew as children; instead, it will become the place where they will nurture their own children as they grow.

With our own parents and extended family on the East Coast, and our daughters beginning their lives on the West Coast, therein lies the conflict: the strong sense of duty to our families, our jobs, and our long-established roots versus transplanting ourselves to a new environment in which our primary family is the focus.

After living here I cannot imagine ever moving back to the mainland, much less New Hampshire. I know that my decision to stay is made with no second thoughts, no reservations. In this beautiful island community, Greg and I are making a life for ourselves, becoming our own family. It is as it should be.

Hawaii has become my home.
~Sarah

Considering the eventuality of both daughters living on the Pacific Rim, my husband and I have resigned ourselves to the prospect of three possibilities: 1.) Living here in New England and dropping in for the occasional visit, 2.) Moving west for six months out of the year, or 3.) Uprooting and heading west permanently. Option number one only works until we have grandchildren, and then that, of course, changes everything. Option number three is a consideration, however I don’t believe either one of us can let go of our ties to New England for years on end. We have too much invested emotionally to leave it entirely… at least not right away. At this juncture, option number 2 appears to be the optimum choice, as it gives us the best of both worlds without having to give up on either.

Life changes can create chaos, but from the turmoil comes the contentment of knowing that the final decision has been made for the right reasons and without reservation. Although the ultimate decision remains in the near future, it is one that is destined to run a wide spectrum of emotions. Ultimately, when the time is right, my heart will tell me all I need to know.